I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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