i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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