You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
