Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
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