I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
