Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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