I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The cops high fived after they tackled you
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
