when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
