You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
