Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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