PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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