I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
