i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
