I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
