Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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