its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
vagina is talking i cant
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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