i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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