TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
