apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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