I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize