dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
