I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
