You made me cry and you don't even care
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
