i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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