Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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