Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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