Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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