You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Less talking, more tequila
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
