I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize