Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
