Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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