I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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