Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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