On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize