he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
