After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
