yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
