We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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