So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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