So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
