Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
