I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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