I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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