he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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