So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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