You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Will exercising make me less horny?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
