nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
