You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Everyone says I win the strip club
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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