there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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