id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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