"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
