I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
