i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
