You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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