On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
