So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
So squirting runs in the family.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
