Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize