On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
