my phone needs a breathalizer
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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