my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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