then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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